The Darwin Awards are a kind of fame.

i am making butterscotch-toffee-chocolate chip cookies.

i am doing this because if i didn’t, i’d have gone to jail for murdering my family by now. have the recipe:

ingredients:

• 5 1/3 cups flour
• 2 teaspoons baking powder (has to be powder, or else it won’t be fluffy)
• 1 teaspoon sea salt (i like sea salt because the crystals stay whole, more or less, so there’s variation of flavor in the cookie)

• 3 cups packed light brown sugar
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 4 sticks butter (this is also 1 pound of butter, or 2 cups)
• 4 eggs

• 2 cups semi-sweet or dark chocolate chips
• 2 cups milk chocolate coated toffee bits
• 2 cups butterscotch chips

directions:

1. preheat oven to 325 degrees.
2. whisk your dry ingredients (your flour, salt, and baking powder) together, and set the bowl aside.
3. in a mixing bowl, with a stand mixer or a hand mixer, gently cream your butter and sugar together. this does not need to be light and fluffy, just mixed. it should look kind of like lumpy wet sand.
4. add your eggs in one at a time, mixing thoroughly until they are all combined, and then add in your vanilla.
5. for adding the flour, i recommend taking the bowl off the mixer and folding the dry ingredients in with a spatula. if you don’t do that, just be very careful that you don’t overmix the flour in the dough.
6. once your flour mix is all in, fold in your chocolate and toffee and butterscotch chips.
7. do not spray your baking trays when baking these cookies, or they will spread horribly. bake these cookies for 8 minutes and then rotate them to ensure even cooking, baking for 7 to 8 more minutes.
8. take them out of the oven a when the edges are darkening but the top of the cookie is barely cracking - cookies are very susceptible to baking from carry-over heat, which means that they will continue to bake from the heat from the metal tray they are baked on. don’t bother trying not to ruin the cookies by switching them to a cool tray, just take them out a bit early and trust that they’ll cook some more from the carry-over heat.

Recipe: chewy brownies

Specifics:

Bake at: 325 degrees
Bake in: 12’ by 12’ baking pan, 2’ deep - or something similar, greased and floured.

Ingredients:
2/3 cocoa powder
1 cup boiling water
1 cup semisweet chocolate
1 stick butter
1 cup veg oil
3 large eggs
6 large yolks
4 teaspoons vanilla
5 cups sugar
3 1/2 cups flour
1 teaspoon sea salt

Directions:
1. In a bowl, add the chocolate and the cocoa powder. Melt it with the boiling water, and then set aside. In a different bowl add whisk your flour and sea salt together, and then set aside.

2. Melt your butter, and then add your oil and butter to the chocolate mixture.

3. Add your sugar to the oil and chocolate mixture, and then your vanilla.

4. Add your eggs, then your yolks.

5. Fold in your flour mixture until incorporated. Pour into prepared pan and bake for 15 minutes, and then turn 180 degrees and continue baking for 10 more minutes.*

*Turning the brownies ensures that you cook it evenly, in case your oven has a hot spot. This brownie is finished cooking when you stick a knife or toothpick in and it comes out crumby - cake comes out clean, but for a fudgey and chewy brownie you want crumbs.

Recipe: no fail pie crust

4 cups flour

1 teaspoon baking powder

2 teaspoons salt

1 2/3 cups lard (yes, lard. It has to be lard. Shortening will not cut it.)

1/2 cup water

1 teaspoon vanilla (if making a dessert. This crust is good for savory dishes too.)

1 egg, beaten

1 tablespoon distilled white vinegar

Directions:

1.  In a large bowl mix your flour, baking powder, and salt. Cut in lard until it resembles coarse meal.

2.  In a small bowl mix together egg, water, and vinegar. Pour into flour-lard mixture and stir until it just forms a ball.

3.  Divide dough into four pieces and wrap tightly, refrigerate until use.

Recipe: flourless chocolate brownies

These things are death by chocolate. It’s fun to add white chocolate chips in with the pecans. When baking these in a sheet pan watch for them to rise all over, and they will stop jiggling, unlike in a 9 inch.

Ingredients:

2 cups semisweet chocolate chips

4 eggs

1 teaspoon vanilla extract (though I prefer to double this, personal preference)

1 1/2 sticks butter

1/3 cup sugar

1 1/4 cups pecans (entirely optional - I usually substitute this with white chocolate chips)

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 300 and line a 9 inch pan with foil, greasing it after.

2. Melt the chocolate and the butter in a double broiler. While it melts, mix your eggs, sugar, and vanilla together until ribbon stage.

3. Once chocolate is melted, fold 1/3 of egg mixture into it, and mix thoroughly. Add half of the remaining eggs and mix, and then the rest. Pour into your prepared pan and bake until sides are risen and shiny and firm, approximately 25 minutes. Center will still shake a bit.

My “apple pie” recipe:

Real quick, before I have to get to dinner:

2 cups honey booze (I used Evan Williams Honey Kentucky Reserve, 70 proof)

3 cups cinnamon booze (I used Hiram Walker Cinnamon Schnapps, 90 proof)

2 cups butterscotch booze (I used Dekuyper Butterscotch Schapps, 30 proof)

3 cups caramel apple booze (I used Hiram Walker Caramel Apple Liquer, 30 proof)

8 cups apple cider

6 cinnamon sticks

2 apples, sliced

2 cups brown sugar

1 cup honey

Boil for about five minutes, or until the sugar is dissolved and the apples are soft but not falling apart.

To cut down on the sweetness, if you want, you could easily omit the honey, or change the caramel apple liquor to an apple vodka. This recipe really is just me throwing junk in a pot and seeing if it works, but I have to say: this shit, as the recipe stands up there, tastes fabulous.

This recipe will serve a shitload of people, but then again I am taking some to work tomorrow. It is good to work in a kitchen.

HAPPY JUSTIFIED DAY

I call these cookies Greg’s Birthday cookies!

For it is his birthday and I made them for him. I lack creativity, but these are fucking amazing.

For actual dough:

1/2 a stick of butter

1 1/3 cups of chocolate chips

2 eggs

2/3 cup of sugar

1 Tbps of vanilla

1 tsp of salt

1 tsp of baking soda

Stuff I put in the dough this time for Greg:

2 cups of pecans

1/2 cup of peanut butter chips

1 cup of chocolate chips

1/2 cup of chopped and crispy bacon

Directions:

In a microwave-safe bowl, melt your butter. Once it’s melted, add your chocolate chips and melt them in increments of 30 seconds, stirring until the butter and chocolate are mixed.

In a mixing bowl combine your flour, salt, and baking powder. Sift to remove lumps, and then set aside.

In another mixing bowl combine your eggs, your sugar, and your vanilla. Mix thoroughly, and then add the melted chocolate and butter to your eggs. Add in your flour mixture after that, folding until it’s all incorporated with the eggs and chocolate.

Fold in whatever you’re filling this cookie with - like I said up there, I used bacon, chocolate and peanut butter chips, and pecans. It needs something like nuts because the dough is so loose, though. I’ve classed it up a bit with hazelnuts and zested orange - all you really need for this cookie is about 4 cups of whatever chunks you’re going to be mixing into it, to make it thick enough.

Spray your baking sheet! Scoop it into golf ball-sized dollops onto the sprayed sheep, and then refrigerate for about 10 minutes. This cookie spreads, so this helps it stay nice and together.

Bake for about 5 minutes, and then rotate the tray to help the cookies bake evenly, baking for maybe 2 minutes after that. This cookies will overbake in a snap, man. Once you can kind of lift the edge of it with your fingers, they’re done, I PROMISE. They are supposed to be gooey on the inside and crispy-chewy on the outside. It’s best to take them out a bit early because you can always bake them longer if you want to later, and they do still bake while on the hot cookie tray.

I covered these with caramel. :D